Start of Junior Year...

Been about four weeks. I've found that the only classes I actually enjoy are orchestra, AP American history, and jazz band. Honors English isn't that bad either. But seriously, what am I doing in AP classes? I'm not motivated enough for this shit. I think I'm smart enough, but I was in a really good mood the day I signed up for these. Hell, I have an exam tomorrow over four chapters I was supposed to read over the summer and only completed about half of. I think my GPA at this point is worse than it was third quarter of last year, and third quarter is always my worst.

I've come to the conclusion that high school in itself is a joke. We're forced to pack in useless information and regurgitate it for the exam and then we never think back to it ever again. Everyone there pisses me off. All the freshman, most of the sophomores, hell even the juniors and seniors. Everyone is stupid. No one knows how to drive, the junior lot parking situation is absolutely ridiculous, this whole "lancer link" thing is just disgusting in my opinion. When I was a freshman, I just wanted to go unnoticed, not babied around like I was someone's little fucking cherub. And physics? About 80% of physics is complete bullshit. Newton was a dumbass. The idea that if a book is on a table, the table is pushing back up on the book is completely... just... no. The reason the book stays on the table, for one, is because the table is like sixty times bigger than the book, and the other furniture would laugh at the table if it just decided to collapse when the book sat on it. Seriously that entire concept has bugged me my whole life.

But anyway, this year is going to take forever, and that really sucks. Plus it's not like I have a lot of time to be working, so I don't have as much money, which means on the weekends I am working so I can get money to go out with friends or shop or whatever which I never even have the opportunity to do anyway so everything ever is a complete waste of my time.

Ew life.

Long time no post, eh?

The entire past school year was a complete joke.

Work has been good and bad and now its good again.

Summer is being spent stupidly but whatever. Sleep, work, hang out, lather, rinse, repeat. Going to West Virginia sometime in early August. Before school starts. Obviously.

Deftones' "Riviere" is killing me.

I love you. Why are you such a bitch? Whatever. I think it's beautiful. I think you're beautiful.

I am boredddedededed.

The school blocks EVERYTHINNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGew.

mmjbvfrswxgyjujj,xmhzfvgfmnv nmhvgfmjgmjhgmjhgf

I need to find a proxy server or some shit.

Let's make a rendezvous!

Tequila, dancing, and this song seems like a good time.

Onto life and such...

I'm lost. My schedule is totally off this whole week because of blocked scheduling for the fresh meat and their MAP testing. My friends all seem to be in a totally different universe with each other without me; not that I feel left out, but they have conflicts among themselves and I'm just kinda hanging out here like what's going on? Maybe I'm actually there with them but I just don't know it. I have no clue. I'm in love with about eight different people. Fucking I need a life. I feel like I'm out of money constantly, even when I've got plenty of pocket cushion. Home is retarded and I feel smothered. Work is really the only place I can feel good anymore.

I'm worried about college and my car and gas money and money in general. Ten minutes from now, ten hours from now, ten years from now. I feel like I need a plan for everything or I'll collapse. I hate change.

Speaking of hate... I hate babies. They don't do anything except sit there and be loud and shit themselves. They're loud and oblivious and they leave MACARONI AND CHEESE IN THE CARPET FOR ME TO PICK UP BY HAND thanks stupid baby. By the way stupid baby, your dad is a total wigger and he needs to realize that he is not Eminem.

God. People. Ew.

An angry song...

About wanting to kick the person you love the most in the face because you're too fucking egotistical and blame everyone else for your wrongdoings.



The yellow bile
Masked in a smile
The angry plague
Suppressed by grace

'Cause
I know better than to give myself away and
I know better than to give into the crave and
I know better than to watch you go astray and
I know better than to let you fade away

The dark black vile
Wretched and vile
I'd gladly pay
To see the day

When it
Takes over your soul and dissolves your will to stay and
Wraps 'round your body as the skin begins to break, but
I know better than to watch you go astray and
I know better than to let you fade away

The choler thirsts
For anything
To feed the hurt
The violence
Just to taste
The bitter marrow
From your breaking bones
So viciously

The black and blue
Looks good on you
The sun-dried rusty red
Makes you look your very best

Wash out the pale
Beat in the hue
Throw out the gun
Blame it on you

But
These savage thoughts occupy the shadow's end and
Are purified by this courtesy I pretend that
I know better than to give myself away and
I know better than to give into the craving
I know better than to dig my holy grave and
I know better than to give myself away and
I know better than to give myself away..

I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap..

Not much has happened.. I've been working at Applebee's for a month and a half and having a blast... but they're shutting down on Sunday. I'm transfering over to the one on 103rd and State Line, I have an interviewy whatever shpeal tomorrow.

I'm supposed to be researaching narcissistic personality disorder but I'm way too tired. It's funny, the more I read about it the more I think I have it. But then again, that's like every disease/disorder/whatever you hear about. Hell, one of the symptoms for sickle cell in my Biology book was pain.

...

My arm's on fire! Fuck! I must have sickle cell?!?!

Changes...

...Wow have I become horribly depressed in the past two months. Or however long it's been since I last updated this.

Long story short, I feel like a hipocryte because this whole time I've been preaching about independance and you-don't-need-a-MAN relationships are lame I don't need anyone!...etc. And look at me. Look at me and why I'm such a fucking emo baby. I'm the one sitting in the corner about to cry because she can't find anyone to connect with.

I think I'm pretty much done with guys.

I wish I didn't feel so retarded for being human. That's all it wears down to, the cold bitter truth is that I am just like Joe Schmoe and I feel the same thingis as everyone else. It felt great being superhuman. Hah, sucks for you, you're all mopey 'cause the boy won't notice you. I'd rather not be noticed than be noticed and discarded like a fucking wrapper. Ouch. That hurt.

I've told myself over the years that I'm NOT a softie. I am thick skinned and it takes a lot to phase me. And it does take a lot to phase me. Is this considered a lot or am I losing my grip? Is it just because everything has been piling up on itself over the years and at some point my mental frame becomes weak and everything just collapses onto itself? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Plus the fact that everyone is OBSESSING over this stupid boy I had a small crush on last year. I don't even like him anymore. I never really found him super attractive and everyone is fantasizing about his supposedly gigantic shlong. I don't know or really care about his shlong or how hot he is(n't) and........LASKDJF.

My patience is really being tested lately.

This must be the heavens' way of saying "Fuck you, Katy, for being an idiot, never doing your Algebra homework, and for being a liberal."





On a lighter note, I got a job. Hostessing at Applebees. Orientation tomorrow at 3. Wish me luck.